


Diplomatic Relations

by HaiImKawaii



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Crack, Inspired by The Office, also byleth? very tired she's sick of everyone's shit, claude and lorenz would act like jim and dwight change my mind, in this house we all bully lorenz hellman gloucester, please god help me, this is my first fanfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-27
Updated: 2019-08-27
Packaged: 2020-09-28 03:08:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20418911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HaiImKawaii/pseuds/HaiImKawaii
Summary: Byleth has a special lesson for the students of the Golden Deer House.





	Diplomatic Relations

Idle chatter filled the classroom of the students from the Golden Deer House, mostly talking about what they would study next, and answers for the homework. Claude had just walked in, barely on time, Hilda not too far behind as usual. Lorenz huffed and turned to them both. 

“You know, you two have been cutting it quite close as of late, getting to class on time. I hope this doesn’t become a common occurrence, especially for two nobles!” He scolded. 

“Uh, sorry Lorenz! It’s just that my lungs are just so small and delicate that I can’t possibly get to class as quickly as you do every day without getting winded. You wouldn’t want to see a sweet girl like me be in pain and exhausted, do you?” Hilda asked with an oh so innocent look on her face. Lorenz’s eyes shifted down, a little guilty and began to say,

“Well... no b-” he was quickly interrupted by Hilda. She obviously did not want to hear what “eloquent compliment” he had for her today

“Anyway, got to go see ya!” She practically bolted to the seat next to Marianne. So much for those delicate lungs. 

“You’re still not off the hook, you know.” Lorenz turned towards Claude. He scoffed at Lorenz, crossing his arms behind his head. 

“Relax, Lorenz. I’m still here on time, aren’t I? It’s not like anyone will ever be upset about me being what, 2 minutes early, compared to 20 minutes early.” He objected. “If it were me, I’d be worried about being seen as TOO eager or maybe even desperate,” he paused, pretending to think about something and gasped. “Are you trying to say something to Teach?! How cute! Lorenz, you’ve got a crush on Teach don’t you?” Lorenz at this point was beet red and trying to hush Claude as he was slowly grabbing the attention of the other students. 

“Why you-” Lorenz began to say, but the bell and Byleth clapping cut him off, getting everyone’s attention. He glared at Claude as if telling him they’d finish this sooner silently, going back to his seat. 

“All right, kids. A bit of a change in pace just this once. Today we will talk about diplomatic relations. You know, instead of stabbing each other relentlessly we talk like human beings.” This announcement made most of the class groan. All this time they had been learning about boring strategies, but now they had to be taught how to talk? How aggravating. The lesson went on relatively smoothly until Byleth made one special request. 

“Why don’t we have two people do a little reenactment of what we’ve all just learned?” She asked, hoping to see some hands. Nope. Just one. Lorenz had eagerly raised his hands, hoping to show off how much of a refined noble he was. Byleth sighed and reluctantly called Lorenz up to the front of the class. He stood there, his chest puffed out, looking all too confident for Claude’s liking. That’s when the idea hit him. He had a bit of a smirk on his lips as he slowly raised his hand. Lorenz grimaced a bit, hoping someone else would come volunteer instead. Nothing of the like happened. Byleth knew that smirk and prepared herself to reap the consequences she sowed as she let Claude come up. 

“Let’s make this worst-case scenario. You two are two Lords of neighboring lands about to go to war over some boundary disputes. How would you resolve this peacefully?” Byleth suggested, stepping back to let the two young men talk. Lorenz glared at Claude once more before regaining his composure. 

“Greetings, my name is Lord Lorenz Hellman Gloucester nice to talk with you at last.” He bowed deeply. Claude looked over at Byleth who had a bit of an amused look on her face. To most, she looked the same, but Claude could see the slightest smile at the corner of her mouth. He knew he could use her to his advantage just to get back at Lorenz.

“Yo Teach, do we have to use our real names?” Claude asked Byleth who shrugged as a reply, giving him the ok. Returning to Lorenz, he bowed as well and began to speak. “Lord William M Buttlicker, the pleasure is all mine.” A few students chuckled at Claude, including Lorenz.

“Is-is that your real name?” He asked. Claude feigned an offended look. 

“How dare you! My family is the most important family in all of Fódlan!” he exclaimed, making Lorenz step back. Byleth tsked. 

“Is that how you speak to another lord Lorenz? I just taught you moments ago to remain calm.” She chided, disapproval oozing out of each word she said. Byleth was having a little fun with this. She had gotten more complaints from the girls about his advances anyways. This seemed to be a much more suitable punishment to her. It was much more effective, anyway. Lorenz gulped, feeling a little guilty and shook his head. 

“Of course not, Professor, my apologies.” He turned back toward Claude. “Anyway Lord Buttlicker, I have come here to discuss the boundary-” Lorenz was cut off once more. 

“Apologies Lord Gloucester, but could you speak a little louder? I am hard of hearing.” Claude said, leaning his ear cupped around his head toward Lorenz, signaling him to speak louder. Lorenz looked at Byleth for help with pleading eyes. 

“Accommodate. Speak a little louder. He must have lost his hearing over the years of fighting.” Byleth added. Claude was ever so grateful towards her for playing along, despite her not usually allowing this kind of behavior normally. Perhaps she was just over it at this point. In all honesty, she was. It was just easier for her to let Claude go through with his plans as long as they didn’t physically hurt anyone. Lorenz cleared his throat. 

“I said,” he began to speak a little louder “Lord Buttlicker, I have-“ 

“Gotta speak a little louder, sir,” Claude interjected once more. Lorenz glared at him, but out of the corner of her eye saw Byleth shake her head and avert her eyes. Lorenz thought he was disappointing her further, but in reality, Byleth was just trying to keep a straight face. 

“R-Right… Lord William-” Lorenz began louder than before.

“Louder!” Claude exclaimed. 

“LORD WILLIAM M BUTT-“

“LOUDER!”

“ **BUTTLI-”** Byleth knew she had to step in before everyone in the Monastery could hear Lorenz utter the name Buttlicker one more time. 

“Lorenz! Do not yell at the man you’re trying to negotiate with. That is aggressive and the exact opposite of what we’re going for in a peaceful discussion. You never yell at someone like that. Never.” She began to reprimand Lorenz, but it was hard to since the other students were laughing out loud. Lorenz was looking distraught while Byleth remained her professional attitude. Claude was looking even more furious. 

“No one has EVER been as disrespectful as you have been this past meeting! You have been nothing but aggressive, unaccommodating, and unrefined! I shall declare war on you at once!” Claude declared over the uproar of the classroom. Lorenz looked like someone had punched him in the gut. Byleth had to quiet down the class so that the two could continue to speak. Byleth looked at Lorenz, indicating she wanted to show how it was done. He nodded and sighed in relief as he stepped back, bowing deeper than before. 

“M-My apologies Lord Buttlicker, perhaps you would like to speak to my advisor instead. She may change your mind, unlike my unnoblelike self.” Yes, he really just made up the word unnoblelike. Byleth stepped toward him and bowed at Claude, who was grinning at this point. 

“Greeting milord. I am Professor Byleth, advisor and second in command to Lord Gloucester.” 

“My, my. Listen, may I call you Teach? It just slides off the tongue much easier.” Claude asked, and she nodded. “I like the sound of your voice. Because of that, I will not declare war on your good land.” 

“Thank you.” Byleth bowed once more, now finally getting into the role. Lorenz sighed in relief, came up to Byleth and bowed. 

“You have my-”

“But! I have one condition. You must abandon your title, Lord Gloucester and give it to your advisor instead.” Byleth looked at Lorenz. 

“Is that even allowed?!” he asked and Byleth shrugged. She looked him straight in the eyes. Her gaze was intense which made Lorenz shrink back a bit. Claude had to bite his tongue to prevent himself from laughing out loud.

“Do you want a war to happen, Lord Lorenz?” She asked him trying to sound 100% serious. 

“W-Well no, but-“

“Then it’s settled. Salutations, Lord William. Lord Teach at your service.” She nodded her head at Claude, who winked in return. Lorenz was wondering where the hell he had lost control of this situation as the two “lords” began discussing things, as usual, demonstrating how to act during negotiations. Lorenz soon realized he was no longer needed and awkwardly shuffled back to his seat. He sighed loudly, embarrassed at the entire situation that had just occurred. He then felt a tap on his shoulder from behind. It was Hilda. 

“Hey, at least you tried.” She consoled him and patted his back. He groaned, sinking back into his seat. 

“Oh Sothis, kill me now.” 

**Author's Note:**

> That was.... something....
> 
> uhh just wanted to say thanks for reading and uh if you got any advice that would be an epic gamer moment


End file.
